Instructor Wrap Up - Abigail Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Responding to Conflict - the S-TLC System

It's important to recognize that communication is not simply saying what's on one's mind.  Communication (and, by extension, conflict) isn't something we do to the other person, but something we do with one another (like teamwork of like a dance).

In addition, this chapter introduces you to one of the most important tools in conflict management - the S-TLC system.  The S-TLC system teaches us to stop, think, listen, and then communicate with the other person.   By following these four steps, we can often resolve interpersonal conflicts through basic communication skills.

"Stop" means not reacting blindly and responding habitually to the other person.  When we take time out, we can then consider our options and try to exercise them rationally.  After we have stopped, we need to think, or analyze the situation to try to know what is really happening within it and the range of possibilities it presents.  Rather than taking the conflict personally, we need to think about the consequences of doing nothing or about changing the other person, the situation, or ourselves.  We need to consider the conflicting parties' instrumental, identity, relational, and process goals.

After stopping and thinking, it is important to listen to the other person.  Listening to the other does not mean we have to agree with the other.  It simply means that we consider the others opinion important, and that we try to hear and understand it before we make a point or saying what's on our mind.  Although our tendency is to become defensive when we hear a critical remark, listening without immediately defending oneself can make the difference between a productive and destructive conflict.

To help students create assertive messages for expressing their feelings, wants, and needs during the fourth step of the confrontation process, we encourage them to use personalized communication - language using I-statements (i.e., I think, I feel) versus "you" or depersonalized statements (i.e., "you always", "most people think").  These I-statements consist of four parts:

*I feel (feeling statement)

*when I (problematic behavior statement)

*because I (consequences statement)

*I'd like (goals statement)

Chapter Objectives:

At the end of this chapter, students should be able to:

1). Briefly explain the S-TLC system for dealing with conflict situations.

2). Briefly explain how to "stop" and not respond habitually when in a conflict situation.

3). Explain in depth different ways to "think" about a conflict.

4). Offer constructive advice to someone who doesn't "listen" well.

5). Briefly explain why the transactional model of communication is preferable to the linear model for managing conflict situations.

6). Correctly create a four-part I-statement.


-Abigail, R.A., & Cahn, D.D., (2011)